A Discontent Wife

Cross posted from richardambercrowson.blogspot.com

We have made it one month, and it has not been that bad.  The weather has been absolutely perfect.  It gets chilly at night and then a nice 75 degrees in the day.  We have yet to turn on the air conditioning or the heat.  The leaves have started changing colors and it is beautiful.  We spend every waking moment outdoors because we know that in a very short time we will be confined inside for the winter.  This has been a wonderful season for us.  God has been so good. We do not have any additional members to our church yet.  From the inside it appears to be moving pretty slow.  The Lord has allowed us glimpses of progress in order to keep our heads up.  We knew going into this that it would be a very slow process and we are being patient.  Our main goal everyday is to develop the friendships God has blessed us with. 

Yesterday the three of us sat down and made a list of all the people we have make friendships with.  In one month there was close to 50 names, and the list is still growing.  We pray over these names every single day.  Sometimes I struggle with guilt because my list of names is considerably shorter than Richard and Dusty’s lists.  They spend every day going out and meeting people.  Whereas I generally stay back and hold the rope for them. This if you know me, is not something I am good at.  I have always been and desired to be on the front lines. I am a Do-er not a supporter of do-ers!  I have struggled with what my role is in the church plant.  As I have prayed for wisdom and clarity, God has been surprisingly quiet or so I thought.

I have been trying to balance my role as a wife and as a member of the church plant.  I want to be a major part of the plant. My heart longs to do more and be more involved.  Sometimes I go with Richard and Dusty when they go and meet people.  Every time I find myself watching the clock and cutting our time short because there are things at home that I have to take care of.  These things are not insignificant either.  We have people coming over for dinner in an hour, I told a neighbor to stop by at a certain time to come pick up lunch, or there is something at home that I need to have done before dinner.  I always find myself needing to be at home taking care of things. Disgruntled and discouraged, most days I let them go without me.  There just has to be more for me than this?

God can be telling me something so loudly but I just do not have ears to hear or eyes to see. It wasn’t until Richard and I met with a local woman who had a similar struggle to mine.  We were not in the same situation by any means, but our hearts were the same.  We both longed to be used radically by God but couldn’t see the work he had laid out in front of us.  In our homes. With our neighbors. In our communities. I began to see that my biblical place was next to Richard as his wife.  My ministry and call is to him first and foremost.  I am not called to be the associate pastor. The call on Richard’s life is completely different than the immediate call on my life. Yes, we are co-laborers. Yes, we do ministry together.   I know it is not popular or well accepted but my role is to manage the home.  Each wife is in different circumstances.  Their managing the home may look completely different than my managing the home. Managing the home does not give me an excuse to not share the gospel.  It is not a free pass to live a sinful or disobedient life.  What does my role in my home, with my neighbors, and in my community end up looking like? I am pretty sure it will take forever to answer that, and once I get it figured it will change.  

To grasp a better understanding of my role, in my quiet times I have been reflecting on my day-to-day/week-to-week activities. I am a very organized person.  One thing that has helped me save time and money is to make a monthly menu.  I plan out all of our meals. I try not to get bent out of shape when we do not eat a planned meal.  Flexibility, right? I usually make a trip to the grocery store once a month.  I buy everything we need with the exception of fruit and vegetables.  Richard knows better than to go into the kitchen for a snack.  He will inevitably eat a meal that has been planned for later in the month, and he will be in trouble. He is banned from the kitchen.  (Mainly because I am a control freak and the kitchen is my area. I’m working on it!)

About two weeks ago, Richard had an old magazine out and was thumbing through it. There was an ad that showed a woman in her kitchen with all her “appliances.” I do not remember what it was advertising. He said that the ad was made during a time where modern appliances were being introduced.  He made a particular point about how the refrigerator was normally associated with extremely wealthy homes.  During the time of the ad the refrigerator was becoming more and more popular. They began to make their way in every kitchen in America. Before this time, people had to go to the grocery store/market every day to buy fresh food. They relied on the market for everyday needs because they could not buy foods in bulk. Particularly foods that needed to be refrigerated.   Meals were planned a day at a time.  As a result, they knew the butcher, the baker, the person who sold them their fruits/vegetables, the milk man, etc.  They literally saw them every single day.  They were a community that lived life with each other.  They relied on each other. 

I began to think about that and saw some truth to it.  What better way to know my community than to be a part of it every day.  I decided that instead of going to the grocery store once a month I would go once a day. Going to the store everyday will increase the spending in our grocery and gas budget. I would just have to trust God to protect us financially.  I have gone to the grocery store every day for two weeks. Honestly, it can be a hassle.  I see something that I will need for tomorrow, but I put it back on the shelf.  I need a reason to come tomorrow.  There are so many other things I could be doing with the time I spend at the grocery store every day.  I still come every day though and generally at the same time.  Yesterday time seemed to get away from me.  Before I knew it, it was 6:00pm and I still had not gone to the store.  I was tired, and really just wanted to pick something up at the nearest restaurant.  I went to the store anyway knowing that dinner was going to be late.  I walked in and began my normal routine through the aisles.  I was deeply engrossed in the selection of enchilada sauces when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.  It was one of the employees that recognized me.  “I just about gave up on you today!  Thought we were not going to see you at all.”  We talked for a few minutes and I continued on my way.  I made my way to the meat department and found another familiar face. We pretty much had the same conversation. I realized then that I knew these people and most importantly they knew me.  I had made it a point to go to the same people every day.  I see the same butcher, baker, and cashier every single day.  Sometimes I wait in line a little longer so I can have the same person.  I checked out with my cashier, Michelle and the bagger handed me my bags and said, “See you tomorrow Amber” They know my name! Wait a minute. THEY KNOW MY NAME!

The drive home I began thinking about the different people I have met.  Another place I go every Saturday is the Sioux City Farmer’s Market.  There are so many vendors that it can get be hard to get to know any of them.  So I have selected four vendors that I buy from.  I will go to each vendor and talk with them, but my focus has been on four tables. Jim is who I buy peppers and Kale from. Kenny is tomatoes. Norman is apples. Lucas is my bread guy. I have gotten so familiar with them that when they are running low on food they will set my share to the side and wait for me. I have been praying over this area and how to better use my time there.  It is a huge event in the community.  They have music, food, contests, and games.  This week we will be getting there early and eating breakfast there. It does not take long for somebody to pick up on our accents and start talking to us. We plan to make an entire morning out of it. We shall see what happens. 

I have begun to see everything I do in a different light.  My everyday/weekly activities have started to have significance. Every Sunday I get up a little early and we have a fairly decent breakfast.  We eat a very light breakfast during the week so Sunday morning is always a treat for us. We look forward to it every week. Then we sit in our living room and have church.  Complete with the Lord’s Supper.  I thought it would be strange at first but I absolutely love it.  The combination of great fellowship, Worship, learning about God, discussing the sermon, prayer, and the Lord’s Supper has impacted all three of us.  I can’t help but think that this is the way church was meant to be.  We are not rushed, time restricted, stressed, and we could show up in our pjs if we wanted to. Our cat is right there with us curled up in my lap. That’s my kind of church! J  I am not saying this boastfully by any means but I feel that the breakfast and the time I put into our home has made a huge difference. By the end of every Sunday Service, we are revived, refreshed, and thankful.  I am not naïve in thinking that it will always be this way.  Our biggest prayer is that our church would not stay at three members and we would outgrow our living room.  I have no doubt that in the future we will look back at this season with longing.  This time is precious.  We have rejoiced in it.  

God is changing my disgruntled heart.  He is teaching me the value in a wife that manages the home. There are still moments when I feel like I should be doing more but God will give me a soft reminder that I am exactly where I need to be. I am grateful.

“I lift my eyes to the hills, from where does my help come? My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth.” Psalm 121:1-2